The Wrong Way Around
by zombieshmirtz
Summary: Perryshmirtz AU. It's Halloween, and Perry needs a decoy. Enter Heinz, who is slightly over-enthusiastic. Human!Perry.


**Title: **The Wrong Way Around  
><strong>Summary:<strong> AU. It's Halloween, and Perry needs a decoy. Enter Heinz, who is slightly over-enthusiastic.  
><strong>Note:<strong> Human!Perry. Inspired by the Tumblr prompt, '_Dracula won't stop hitting on me at this costume party'_.

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><p><strong>The Wrong Way Around<strong>

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><p>Perry loved Halloween. He loved the atmosphere, the excited kids, the candy, he even loved the costumes. Granted, he hadn't put much effort into his own that year, and had simply handed Pinky his invite with a shrug of 'I'm a secret agent'. His friend had rolled his eyes so hard that Perry was surprised he hadn't given himself a migraine. Pinky took his Halloween parties even more seriously than his actual job. He had spent no less than three days decorating his apartment with every tacky fake spider web he could find in Danville, driving Perry insane in the process.<p>

"You think these invites are too much? I mean, are the bats too childish?"

"Yes. The bats are childish, you are childish and you take this thing _way_ too seriously."

"Do you want free food or not?" Pinky had huffed, shoving the envelope in Perry's face. "C'mon."

Perry had agreed to show up, and almost instantly regretted it. Pinky's apartment looked like an overdone haunted house that usually showed up with the yearly carnival. And the guests left a lot to be desired. Perry stood by the drinks table, watching in amusement as various cats compared corsets and three Harry Potter cosplayers argued over who had the most accurate scar. He knocked back the fruit punch, which he was pretty sure was laced with something sinister that would leave him with a throbbing head the next day.

"Businessman? That isn't a very scary choice of costume, friend."

Perry snorted. "I'm a secret agent actually, and they can be pretty scary, I assure you."

A vampire nudged him to the side as he filled up his empty cup. His make up was terribly done, and Perry felt guilty for thinking so, but this stranger reminded him of a kid that had been left alone with a bottle of ketchup. Perry promptly nicknamed him 'Ketchup Vampire'.

Ketchup Vampire hovered at the table, offering Perry a slight smirk.

"So, how do you know Pinky?"

"Work, but he somehow filtered his way into my personal life too."

"I see. You don't look like the Halloween party kind of guy. You here alone?"

"I usually am alone," chuckled Perry. "I dropped my kids off on the way here."

"Woah, woah." the stranger held up his hands and laughed. "Kids? You?"

"Not my kids," Perry struggled to keep the bite out of his tone. "The kids of the family that adopted me when I was a baby. They see me as a brother, really. There's Phineas, Ferb and Candace."

"Odd names. They think of you as a cool, handsome older brother type?"

"I should hope so, I've pretty much helped raise them."

Perry looked around casually for an exit route. How quickly could he swipe Pinky away from sharing a platter of chocolate-coated marshmallows with Major Monogram? Not quickly enough, which became apparent when Ketchup Vampire sidled a little too close for comfort and gave Perry another nudge with his sharp elbow.

"What do you say to blowing this party? I know a place down town."

"Me too. It's called home, and I'm about to head there pretty soon, so I'll have to decline."

"C'mon, spoil sport. We can even ditch the costumes, if you know what I mean."

Perry almost choked on his drink. He took a step to the side, looking around again. Thankfully, to his great relief, another vampire joined them. He looked friendly enough, maybe a little ditzy. He almost walked right into the table itself. Perry gave him a sudden smile, trying his hardest to look like he knew the guy.

"Hey, _there_ you are. I've been waiting for you all night!"

The newest addition to the overly cosy drinks table gang looked up in surprise, and Perry was taken aback by his eyes. They were quick, calculating and the deepest blue that he had ever seen outside of tacky romance novels. He glanced between Perry and Ketchup Vampire, sussing them both out. Then he smiled back awkwardly, filling his own cup to the brim.

"Sorry. You know me. Fashionably late, as always."

"You kidder," Perry quickly christened his heaven sent third wheel 'German Vampire', on account of his foreign accent. He turned back to Ketchup Vampire, who looked unimpressed. "We go way back. His name is...Dave."

"Heinz."

Yes! His name is Heinz."

Ketchup Vampire raised an eyebrow. "Way back, huh? Do you work together or something?

"Yes."

"No."

"Well, I'm a secret agent _every_ night of the year, not just tonight. I work with a lot of people."

Ketchup Vampire nodded again. Perry noticed that the fake blood on his lower lip was beginning to peel away. Heinz, however, looked positively impeccable. He was wearing all black, with a purple velvet cape. His face was almost free of make-up, bar the tiniest dribble of fake blood that trailed from the side of his mouth to his chin. And what an interesting face it was. His nose was odd, pointed and long. He had a bright smile, which extended to his eyes. He was handsome in his own weird, unique kind of way.

"Anyway," Ketchup Vampire wasn't giving up easily, and Perry suppressed a groan. "How about we hit the town? Your friend could come. Or not."

It was obvious from the snark in his voice that he preferred the 'not' option. Perry looked at Heinz, begging him to make something up. Anything. Sick relative that needed immediate attention, work issues, _anything_ to put the guy off. Perry was hardly impolite, but Ketchup Vampire was doing nothing for him. In fact, he was quickly becoming a thorn in Perry's side.

"Wait," Heinz turned to Perry and gave him a look of disgust. "If I hadn't turned up, you would of went clubbing with this guy, wouldn't you? I thought you'd _changed_!"

Perry felt his jaw drop.

"I'm done with you!" Heinz promptly threw the contents of his cup over Perry and pointed at him accusingly, ignoring the stares they were starting to get from the other party-goers. "You never have any consideration for me! I just keep taking you back like a fool! Well, not this time! We're through!"

And just like that, Heinz disappeared through the crowd and into the hallway, his cape swishing behind him. Perry was half-sure that he was doing that to add dramatic effect to his exit. He swiped up a handful of napkins from the table, stammered an apology to Ketchup Vampire and made a break for it.

He pushed his way through a group of drunken zombies by the door and stumbled into the hallway. Scanning the entwined couples and laughing co-workers, Perry dabbed at the front of his shirt. He was about to duck into the kitchen when he felt a hand tap his shoulder.

"How was _that_ for a distraction?" Heinz was practically dancing on the spot. "I should be on stage!"

"Did you just fake dump me?"

"I was going to slap you, but I thought that might have been a little _rude_ of me."

Perry blanched. "And drenching me wasn't?"

"That guy was a creep," Heinz waved a hand impatiently. "And you shook him off, didn't you?"

"Guess so," Perry couldn't help chuckling. "Thank you, by the way. I was desperate."

"I have one question before I let you go. Are you _really_ a secret agent or were you trying to impress me?"

"I'm really an agent. Can't you tell by the costume?"

"That's a pretty lazy costume!" Heinz tutted, crossing his arms. "Halloween is supposed to be scary."

"Oh, and vampires are terrifying."

Perry laughed and Heinz grinned back at him. As unconventional as their meeting was, there was something about the man that made Perry feel like he wasn't quite ready to say goodbye yet. He was interesting. Strange, certainly. But he had an aura about him that made Perry feel a great deal more cheerful. He felt a little hot under the collar, clearing his throat awkwardly to break the silence.

"You know that you totally owe me a solid for that, right?"

"Oh yeah? And how would you like me to repay that?"

Heinz shrugged. "Well, you could hang out with me for a while? I mean, if you don't mind. I'm sure you have something else to do on Halloween, and that's cool too, it's just-"

Perry held up his hand. God, the guy rambled. "That sounds a lot more fun than being pestered by bad vampires."

"Sweet!" Heinz bounced on his heels happily, and Perry shook his head, trying to suppress another smile. "Hey, I don't even know your name. I feel like this thing we have going on is happening in the wrong order, I mean, we broke up before we even properly met."

"Perry Flynn-Fletcher."

"Heinz Doofenshmirtz."

"Nice to meet you, now let's go and take advantage of all this free food."


End file.
